Post-Mastectomy Blues

For nine months I prepared myself both physically and mentally for my prophylactic mastectomy.  I *tried* to eat healthy, running was my outlet for stress and I found an amazing support group of other previvors.  I did plenty of research on the surgery and my doctors.  I attended the FORCE conference in October.  By January I was 100% ready for my surgery.  I woke up from my surgery smiling and so proud of myself that I conquered the biggest challenge of my life.

What I wasn't prepared for was what came after my surgery - the pain, the lack of control, the helplessness... I couldn't make meals for myself.  I couldn't sit up by myself.  I could barely walk by myself.  I couldn't dress myself.  I certainly couldn't bathe myself.  I was taking pain medication every three hours.  I even ran a fever the first night I was home.

The Monday after my surgery I went to see Dr. Redmon, my plastic surgeon.  The car ride to his office was painful.  Every turn and every bump sent shocks of pain through my body.  I hadn't showered since Wednesday and felt disgusting.  When he took off my surgical bra I could not look down.  I didn't want to see.  Jason was with me, and he was so brave.  I broke down and cried.  I still had my drains in.  I felt miserable. 

I finally mustered up the courage to peak at my "foobs" later that night.  They really didn't look that bad with the steri strips covering my scars.  When I tried to sleep that night I was overcome with excrutiating pain.  It felt as if my drains were being pulled.  I kept my drain bulbs in a fanny pack, but other than that they were just hanging from underneath my arms.  I cried and cried.  My mom wrapped gauze around me to keep the drain tubes close to my sides so they wouldn't pull.  There I was standing in the kitchen with no shirt on, completely helpless and relying on my mom and Marcia to help me.  As I'm crying, Charlie came into the kitchen and said, "Mama boo-boo's."  He took my hand and said, "All better."  That sweet little gesture from my two-year-old helped me fight through that pain.

On Wednesday Dr. Redmon took my drains out.  It was the best relief.  I was finally able to take a shower.  I couldn't do it by myself, and Jason had to wash my hair for me.  Giving up control over something we all take for granted like washing our own hair was tough.  For the rest of the week I continued on my regimen of pain meds.  My mom stayed until the next Sunday (February 10th).  I was so spoiled when she was here.  She cooked me yummy vegetarian food and made sure I was well taken care of.  I was able to get out of the house a few times to go for a walk or to the store, but I couldn't walk very far without the pain kicking in.

I was very scared when my mom left, but Jason and Marcia have done a great job taking care of me.  The second week was still tough, but not quite so bad as the first week.  Most of the pain was in my back, but I was still feeling very optimistic about my healing.

That Friday I went to the chiropractor to see if he could help me with my back pain.  Immediately after my adjustment and therapy I felt nauseous and the pain in my back became very intense.  I ran a fever of 101.5 that night.  I called both Dr. Redmon and Dr. Campbell and they agreed that it doesn't appear to be an infection.  So I took some tylenol and my fever subsided almost immediately.  By the next day my back pain was practically gone.  However, I spent the rest of the weekend with an upset stomach.  By Monday I wanted to try to wean off of my pain meds.  I've been taking Soma (muscle relaxer) and Percocet as needed.

That leads me to right now.  It's 1:30am on Saturday morning and I cannot sleep.  I haven't been able to sleep all week.  When I do sleep it's in tiny increments.  One night I slept for twenty minutes, then was wide awake for twenty minutes.  That cycle continued for three hours.  The only time I get decent sleep is when Jason is home with me.

Physically, I am exhausted.  Mentally, my mind won't stop racing.  I find myself staring off into space and sometimes crying.  I cannot figure out why.  I am happy with my decision to have this surgery.  I don't have to live in fear of getting breast cancer anymore.  So why am I so sad?

When Charlie was born Jason and I had spent nine months preparing for his arrival.  We went to a parenting class, and I read up on as much mommy information as I could possibly find.  I knew that there would be sleepless nights and that a baby is a lot of work.  What I wasn't prepared for was the difficulty of trying to breast feed, the lack of sleep, exhaustion and having this tiny human being's life in my hands.  I was overwhelmed at first, but then with Jason's help we figured out routines and life with a baby became easier.  I feel as though the emotions I have been feeling since my PBM are very similar to what I felt after Charlie was born.  I spent nine months preparing for the surgery, but I really had no idea what it would be like after the surgery because I hadn't witnessed anyone else go through this first hand.

I feel guilty for having the "post-mastectomy blues".  There are women out there who have it a lot harder than I do.  Some women have had serious complications with their surgeries.  Some women have breast cancer.  I don't feel sorry for myself.  In fact, I feel very blessed.  I am just trying to figure out how to live my life without the anxiety of having to get mammograms and MRI's and waiting for the results fearing that they will come back with bad news.

I saw my breast surgeon, Dr. Campbell, on Tuesday.  I tried to go in with a brave smile, but as soon as she walked into the room I started to cry.  Dr. Campbell has a way to make you feel comforted (which is one of the reasons why I call her an angel).  Today I received a letter from her in the mail.  It was just what I needed to reassure me that I made the best decision - not just with my surgery, but with my choice in doctors as well.

I'm not looking for pity.  I'm just trying to make sense out of these new emotions, continue on my journey and remember all of the reasons why I am blessed.  Just for fun, I would like to name some of them:

-I have the best mama.  If she is reading this, I want her to know that I appreciate her more than I can ever say.

-I have a wonderful husband who has been more supportive and loving than I could have ever asked for.

-I have awesome friends.  Thank you all for supporting me and being there for me.  The overwhelming amount of love, gifts and kind words have helped me through the toughest moments along this journey.

-I have doctors who have helped me feel comfortable in my decisions and are taking great care of me.

-I can look forward to watching my son grow up without the fear of breast cancer taking that away from me.

Giving up control and the unknown can be very scary.  But I must have faith that God has great things in store for me.  When one door closes another opens, and on the other side of that door is a beautiful future in store for me and my family.

Goodnight :-)